The Journey of a Wondering Soul

Reflecting on Sept 11, 2001

2011-09-08T21:51:00.001-05:00

Ten years ago, on an ordinary Tuesday morning, Rand and I were in the car going to work, waiting for a stoplight at the corner of Kanesville and 2nd St. In my mind, I was reviewing my expectations for the day. As was our custom, we were listening to the Today Show while on our way to work.

We heard the story about the twin towers as it unfolded, but the Today Show hosts seemed confused by the reports. Perhaps confused is not the correct word. Incredulous is probably closer. It was unthinkable that planes had deliberately flown into these buildings. There must be a mistake. The destruction was too much for them to describe. During the day, the stories were repeated again and again in an effort to make sense of those few moments.

In looking back on the day, I realize that no day is ordinary and that each day has possibilities for either good or evil.

One of my gifts

2011-09-03T13:18:00.000-05:00

This week, I discovered one of my gifts in the midst of a meltdown -- or maybe I just named it. Yes, I had a meltdown at work when I was trying to maneuver my scooter, misjudged my spacing, misjudged my speed and wiped out some plastic file holders. It made a terrible crash, but no one was injured and for that I am grateful. I just had to leave the mess for my coworkers to clean up and I retreated to the break room to get coffee and pull myself together.

A coworker was there to get coffee also. She hadn't heard the commotion I caused and asked the simple question, "So how are things going for you today?" My tears started to flow and I just couldn't stop myelf. She hugged to comfort me and shed a few tears herself.

My discovery is that one of my gifts is compassion. I have internalized so many of the distresses that others have shared with me. People tell me the most amazing things about the hurts, trials and losses that they've experienced. I wonder if there is a sign on my forehead that says, "Tell me your troubles. They are safe with me and together we will see if we can figure out a solution."

Others see me as a strong person....... and I guess I am because I know that God is there supporting me along the way. I always remember that God's got my back. Sometimes I need another person to be God to me....... "God with skin on," and that's who my friend and coworker was this week.

Thanks, Fancy...... from your friend Pants.

Another re-write

2011-07-26T07:31:00.004-05:00

I offered this devotion for a booklet the elders of Broadway Christian Church prepared during the advent season of 2000.
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THE GIFT OF PRESENCE
John 1:14

When I was about 12 years old and my sister Mary was 9, we decided to make my mother a dress for Christmas. Mom had been teaching us to read patterns and sew some of our play clothes, so we figured that we were fully capable. Money was a bit of a problem because the pattern cost 49 cents and the fabric was 89 cents a yard and we needed 3 yards! That $3.20 was a big chunk of our budget, but we hoped that the other family members would understand.

In the weeks before Christmas, Mary and I worked on the dress anytime we were sure that Mom was otherwise occupied. When we went to visit Grandma, we put all of our supplies into a blue suitcase and took it with so that Grandma could help with the sleeves or collar or buttons. Grandma was patient and helped us rip out our mistakes and fix it up right. My Aunt Shirley and my neighbor Sally were also women who patiently helped us along on our project. These caring women were present and available to Mary and me for practical advice on sewing techniques. But more than that, they encouraged us and urged us along.

Has there been someone in your life who has encouraged you in your day-to-day tasks? ---someone whose presence builds your confidence and lets you know that you are capable? Does your presence encourage someone else? ---maybe a family member, a neighbor, a child, a co-worker, an invalid, a person who is grieving, a friend? Today this person is called a mentor. But to me, in December 1964, these people were called Grandma Smith, Aunt Shirley and Sally Rice. Their presence was a gift to me. How can your presence be a gift to others?
(Oh, by the way.........Mom still has the dress!)

O Holy God, You came to be with us and among us. You came to encourage us and hold us strong. Help us to always realize the gift of your presence in our lives. May we learn to appreciate the gift of being present with one another. Amen.

A devotion I wrote for advent in December 2000

2011-07-03T15:31:00.001-05:00

Waiting
Psalm 130:5-6

My father was a court reporter. He practiced "Take Your Daughter to Work Day" long before it was popular, so I spent some of my summer afternoons with him in a courtroom. I had to sit quietly at the back of the courtroom waiting for the judge to declare a recess. Then I would wait until the judge, jury, lawyers, bailiff, clerks and witnesses were gone before Dad and I could go to lunch. When it was a jury trial, I learned some really good waiting activities while the jury deliberated. I learned cribbage and euchre to help pass the time. (I'm still a pretty good cribbage player.) The saying "Hurry up and wait" is not exclusive to the military, but applies to the courts also.

Advent is a time when we remember the years the people of Israel waited for the Messiah. The Old Testament is filled with stories of God's people waiting for, preparing for and looking for the Savior. Read the words of the prophets -- Isaiah 40, Amos 9, Micah 5:3-4. Today we still wait -- not just for Christmas Day -- but for the coming of the Spirit into the hearts of all people so that there truly could be peace on earth. We wait for the Messiah.

What do you do while waiting? Do you read books or play games like I did while waiting with my dad? Are you wandering in a desert like the Israelites did? Are you preparing for a Messiah? What are you waiting for?

Dear Lord, As we approach Christmas Day, teach us to wait for you. Teach us to use our time wisely while we wait. Amen.

Motherhood with a teenager

2011-05-21T10:38:00.004-05:00

I remember a time when I was soooo angry with my teenage son. I was trying to scold him. We were in the kitchen and I was holding a wooden spoon. I was so angry that I hit the wooden spoon on the countertop and broke the spoon. The situation was diffused by the fact that I had to stand on a stool in order to be taller than him.

I don't recall the issue. I do remember the broken wooden spoon and the ridiculousness of standing on the stool in my vain attempt to show that I was still the judge of behavior standards for those who lived in my house. I do recall the outcome. We both laughed and hugged. We both vowed to behave better in the future.

This Pickles cartoon reminds me of that time.

Lauritzen Gardens

2011-05-14T16:08:00.011-05:00

Rand and I attended the plant sale at Lauritzen Gardens yesterday. This place is truly an oasis of beauty in the midst of the city. I found it interesting to wander amongst the tables of those organizations that were promoting their particular flower or plant of choice. Here's a list of the organizations:

Nebraska Daylily Society
Shady Choice Hosta Society
Omaha Herb Society
Nebraska Master Naturalist
Omaha Rose Society
Midwest Geranium Club
Great Plains Pond Society
Nebraska Bonzai Society
South Omaha Horticulture Society
City Sprouts (This group attracted lots of attention, but I'm not sure why.)
Greater Omaha Orchid Society
Prairie Plains Resource Institute
The Nature Conservancy
Nebraska Sierra Club
Benson Plant Rescue (for plants in danger???)
Ikebana International Omaha Chapter 60 (There are 59 other chapters? and what's an ikebana anyway?)
Retree Nebraska
Nebraska Statewide Arboretum

Whoever would have believed that there could be groups of people who come together for the sole purpose of talking about geraniums or daylilies or orchids or roses or herbs? These folks are very passionate about these plants. Even tho I don't share their passion, I appreciate those who do. These folks are stewards of the creation of God and help to make things better for the rest of us. Praise be to God for people who have a passion for our environment.

Prayer of Examen

2010-11-26T11:45:00.005-06:00

One helpful tool for reflective prayer is the Daily Examen developed by St. Ignatious of Loyola. Here is a simplified version to try during this advent season.

Become aware of God's presence.
Review the day with gratitude.
Pay attention to your emotions.
Look toward tomorrow.

During this advent season, may I adopt a rhythm of watchfulness and prayer, attention and reflection.
Come, Lord Jesus, come.

The reason

2010-08-29T16:53:00.005-05:00

A story --
A newlywed husband watched his wife fix pot roast for Sunday dinner. Week after week, she would cut off each end of the roast and toss the ends away before she cooked it. Finally, curiosity got the better of him and he asked why she did that.
"Well, that's the way my mama fixed pot roast," she said. "I don't know why she did it, but her pot roasts were the best."
"Maybe we should ask your mama her recipe," he hesitantly suggested.
So, next time the new bride talked to her mama she said, "Mama, what's the reason for throwing away the ends of the pot roast?"
Mama said, "Well, I don't know why you do it. I did it to make the roast fit in my pan."

Reminder: Always find the reason behind the action to see if it makes sense. No blind following, even if the leader is trustworthy.

A good girl doesn't.......

2010-06-08T22:49:00.002-05:00

Smoke
Drink
Swear
Bleach her hair
Ride motorcycles
Have a tattoo
Skip school
Skip church
Have a hicky
Attend auto races
Go to fortune tellers at carnivals
Question authority
Have a baby before she's married

This was how I defined being a good girl when I was growing up in the 60's. These are some of the things that I could not do if I wanted to be a good girl. Some of these seem silly to me now. Most are things I still wouldn't do, but don't define goodness or badness to me. I wonder how the youth of today would finish the sentence. "A good girl doesn't........."

A prayer for today

2010-05-27T09:05:00.000-05:00

"Faithful Spirit of truth, how many times have you left messages on the doorstep of my life and I failed to notice? Increase my awareness of your powerful presence and open each package you bring to me. Amen."

On vacation

2010-05-26T10:20:00.004-05:00

I'm taking a vacation from work. This is sabbath for me. It is a time for me to change the pace of moving, change my location, change my thinking so that perhaps I can see things from God's point of view.

This doesn't mean that I'm just sitting around doing nothing, but it means that I'm doing things I don't normally do on days when I go to the office. I'm spending more time reading and listening to the wind in the trees. I'm taking care of little errands that I've postponed for too long. Yesterday, the cats got shaved at the vet. (They look funny now!) Today I made a jello salad for tonight's supper and then I cleaned out a drawer and found old pictures. It gives me time to reflect on events of the past. I usually don't see where God has been at work in my life until I look back at what has been. Tomorrow the heating and a/c service person is coming. Friday the basement guy comes.

None of this is very exciting stuff unless I do it intentionally waiting for God to direct my actions. Did God tell me to make jello with pears in it? Well, no..... God doesn't get involved in the minutiae, but God directs me to love and give to others. If I decide to follow that command by making jello salad for the folks at Wednesday night church, well so be it.

So, I wonder what else God has in mind for me today............

Wednesday night church

2010-05-20T20:17:00.000-05:00

"I think this is kind of a funny story about last night's church.

As soon as I entered the fellowship hall, Dennis came running over to me. 'Nancy, you've GOT to pray!' he said. So, I said ok and waited to hear what the emergency was all about. He went on to say, 'Pastor Jann isn't here, so you've got to say the prayer before we eat.' I said ok, but went to check with others to see what the plan was. Justina and David said they thought that was a fine plan. David would quiet the crowd, but I should pray since it was requested. I went to the kitchen to pray with those folks first. Then, I asked for prayer requests from the folks and hands shot up to pray for Shirley, for Roger, for a van that transports some of the folks. We prayed for Bill and for Garry. We prayed for travel mercies for Rev Jann, too.

I reminded folks to wash their tables. Dennis seemed a little put out that I asked folks to do that because he thinks that's his job. But I told him the floor also needed vaccuuming and the trash taken out, so he allowed it. After I finished my tray, I got a bucket to wash my table. Dennis was right there telling me he'd wash the table and he didn't want me to fall. He told me my job was to preach and his job was to wash tables. I told him I wasn't a preacher, but he could wash the table. He said, 'To us, you're a preacher.'

So, that was my evening. Just a reminder that God works thru even the most cracked pots!"

Doctors, Hospitals, Manure and Ponies

2010-04-29T21:43:00.003-05:00

Rand had surgery April 9 after about 6 weeks of all sorts of other treatments. We spent many hours in waiting rooms and hospitals, watching bad TV and drinking stale coffee. In the midst of that, we did find blessings in the oddest places.

I'm reminded of a story (and I told this in church recently when we had a Holy Humor Sunday.)
Little Johnnie was annoyingly cheerful and optimistic. If the family had plans for a picnic, but it stormed, he was cheerful. If he received an ugly sweater for a Christmas present, he gushed over it. If he was served lima beans for supper, he gobbled them up with a relish and asked for seconds. His family had enough of Johnnie's cheerfulness. His birthday was coming soon and so the family decided that they'd fix him once and for all. They had the back yard filled to the brim with manure. Nasty, smelly, yucky. There was no way he could be happy about that birthday present they figured.Yet, on Johnnie's birthday, when they took him out to show him this "present", he was soooo very excited. His eyes just danced and he jumped right into the middle of the manure and started digging around. His family was confused and finally asked how he could be so happy about a yard full of manure.Johnnie replied, "With all this manure, I just know there's got to be a pony around here somewhere close!"

And so, I've been looking for ponies. I've had enough manure in the last two months to hold me for a lifetime...... and it keeps coming. My manure includes Rand's illness and surgery, his mother's illness, his mother's move to Council Bluffs (that's still in the planning phases,) my son's alcoholism and all the havoc that reeks in his marriage and spills over to us. But in the midst of all this, I'm finding ponies here and there. Cards, calls, emails, visits, facebook posts, prayers, prayers, prayers, understanding coworkers who cover for me when I can't seem to go on, meals with compassionate friends, church family that holds and embraces me and points me the way to God and to hope. God's blessings are sometimes hidden, but they are always there. This is my hope and my prayer.

Clutter, Dirt & Grime

2010-03-18T21:19:00.005-05:00

All winter we have collected clutter to take to the Goodwill or to the trash, but it's been too cold to dispose of the treasures and trash. As winter ends and the snow melts, we find the mess that is left behind. Our yards are filled with litter that has been hidden under the snow. The sand that kept our roads passable is still around and in the street gutters. Our cars are first muddy and then dusty. Even if we wash the car, it is dirty again in a day or two. We carry this into our house and into our cars also.

It seems appropriate to think about this during this season of lent -- a time to consider how I follow Jesus. For in our lives, we collect too many things that clutter up our time and hearts. Some things in our lives are dirty and grimy. Some things are just clutter. All of those things push time and commitment to God aside.

So during lent, I hope to do some spring cleaning. I need to make more time for God in my life and I need to get rid of some of the time wasters in my life. I wonder where I should start?

Cooking

2010-03-01T22:59:00.002-06:00

You know....... I'm a halfway decent cook, when I put my mind to it. It's just that usually I have better things to do with my time.

But I went to the grocery store last weekend -- another rarity for me -- and so I had the ingredients needed. We had chicken cordon bleu for supper tonight. I had to look up a recipe on foodtv.com and used one by Tyler Florence.....with only a few substitutions. I think Tyler would still recognize the dish, but he may not want his name associated with my end product. It was pretty tasty and I have lunch for tomorrow. The whole project took over an hour of prep and cooking time. Ten minutes to eat. This seems out of balance to me. Is it any wonder I don't cook more often?

However if I spent more time cooking and less time eating, maybe I wouldn't be wondering about my mysteriously shrinking clothes. Rand and I would both be healthier too, if we stuck to the freshly made foods instead of relying upon fastfoods, cooked at home.

Oh well, maybe just a bowl of ice cream before bedtime to help me sleep.

Seen and heard along I-80

2010-02-22T21:09:00.004-06:00

I was driving to Des Moines and back today for a regional church meeting. That was pretty much a yawner. Not much accomplished at that gathering, from what I could tell.

The drive down the interstate is usually interesting to me. Even that wasn't so great today. I saw some cars in the ditches and wondered how they got there. After the first half hour, I ran out of KVNO's radio range and realized I'd forgotten to pack music. So, I spent my time pushing the 'seek' button on the radio dial. What I found was station after station of noisy commercials, bad country music, small-town school announcements and obituaries. Pretty bad. Mostly, it was just NOISE. Where was the public radio station when I needed it?

I was pushing the seek button as I passed Casey. I heard "Trivia for Travellers and Truckers." (At least it wasn't noisy.) What is Iowa's state bird? State flower? State rock? Then it moved to trivia about the town of Adair and statements about Iowa's good educational opportunities, job opportunities, and quality of life. Next was the traffic report and the announcement that there were no problems today. As I heard these same things repeated again and again, I realized that I had found the travel info radio station -- you know, the one that the IDOT posts for weather info and that sort of thing. I'd never listened to it before..... and I see why. It had accurate and valuable info, but it was boring. If the weather conditions were bad, I might be more inclined to continue to listen to it.

I wonder if the Church passes on its message to life travelers the same way. The music is sometimes ho-hum. The message seems to be trivial and unrelated to modern-day situations, even tho it has meaning for Christians. During the times of our lives when things are going well, it's easy to turn off the message and listen to the noise of the world instead. When life becomes difficult, we are more attentive to the message of the Church.

As a member of the Church, I have a responsibility to pass on the message of God's love to all of life's travelers -- to all of those on a spiritual journey. I don't want other travelers to hear this message as trivia. I wonder if that's what others hear from me...... or do they hear my enthusiastic thanksgiving for God's love? Does the Church proclaim Jesus as Savior in a way that causes others to pay attention? I wonder what we can do as a Church to make other travelers stop and take notice........

Ash Wednesday

2010-02-18T21:22:00.004-06:00

Lent started yesterday. This is my favorite season of the church year. For me, it presents opportunities for introspection. Lent invites me to consider my motives, my actions, my relationships with God and with one another.

Yet, it is not enough for me to sit alone and contemplate. For some folks, this is a time of giving up a habit or a favorite pleasure. That's not me. I find myself called to action -- tho not necessarily anything spectacular. I find myself drawn to new ways of establishing relationship with God.

And so yesterday - Ash Wednesday - I attended a noontime service. It is good to gather with other believers in Christ. Then for those who come for supper at church, I helped set up a prayer station in the sanctuary and assisted in blessing people and praying with them. The ashes remind us that we come from dust and will return to dust when this earthly life is over.

Each Wednesday at Broadway Christian, we feed people to keep their bodies going a little longer. Last night, we offered those same people food for their souls. Those who accepted the ashes and asked for prayers blessed me in ways they cannot imagine. I am honored to be on this lenten journey with them.

Sharing

2010-01-18T10:14:00.004-06:00

Listen to these words from Nehmiah 8:10-- "Then he [Ezra] said to them, "Go your way, eat the fat, drink your sweet wine and send portions of them to those for whom nothing is prepared, for this day is holy to our Lord; and do not be grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength."

What does it mean to me? In these days following the earthquake in Haiti and the blizzards here at home, it is easy for me to feel guilty about my abundance of material wealth. Yet, the prophet Ezra helps to put it in perspective. It's not that we are to feel guilty about our wealth, but that we must not forget to help those people who are without. It all goes back to that simple thing that I was taught as a child -- Sharing.

I am to share what I have with those who don't have. When I was a child, I shared grudgingly. It got easier the more I practiced it. Today, I still am tempted to complain when I pay taxes or make my tithe to the church. I'm tempted to think more highly of myself for doing what is required and right. I sometimes think that I should have greater privilege to say how the shared money is spent. But that's not so. I'm called to share of my wealth for the greater good of all.

Our God is a God of abundance. Our God gives us more than we can ever want. Our God entrusts us to distribute that wealth equitably so that all have enough. Help me, O God, to do my part and to do it with a smile on my face and without self-righteousness.

I wonder if I can do this...... I can, with God's help.

Snow - continued........

2009-12-27T20:46:00.006-06:00

The snow started at noon on Thursday Christmas eve..... and it snowed and snowed and snowed.... Then it blew and blew..... and drifted and snowed and........ Well, you get the idea. The snow didn't stop until Saturday morning. Christmas eve church services were cancelled. Andy, Seika and Kei came early and stayed over, but Carrie's family was snowed in.

Our plans were interrupted and changed for us. Maybe it was for the best. Sometimes our Christmas seems so hurried. This year it was quiet, because we had no choice but to stay home. God had a different plan for us it seems. Perhaps this is one of the ways God stops us to get our attention? I don't know....

Christmas

2009-12-25T17:22:00.000-06:00

"I sometimes think we expect too much of Christmas Day. We try to crowd into it the long arrears of kindliness and humanity of the whole year. As for me, I like to take my Christmas a little at a time, all through the year.
- David Grayson
American author and journalist (1870-1946)"

Blessings

2009-12-18T07:18:00.001-06:00

Here's something I read: "When you are blessed, you feel obliged to bless others."

More later........

Snow

2009-12-09T11:11:00.004-06:00

It seems appropriate that I make some mention of the recent snowfall. I think we've probably gotten a foot or more of the white stuff since last Sunday. It's very cold this morning and the winds are blowing all around. We didn't try to get out and go to work til the snow plow came down the street and now that Rand has the shoveling done, we are going to make a try to get to the office.

I've had a warm dry place to weather the storm. I have plenty of food in the pantry and spent this morning making a hot cereal for Rand and making a casserole for tonight's supper. I hope to take this casserole to the church for the potluck supper there tonight.

I wonder how many people did not have warm places to spend the night. How many people are wondering when their next meal is? Maybe I can help out just a little bit to make the world better for even one more person today. That's my goal. That's my hope. Maybe someone will recognize Christ because of my actions. Dear God, make it so.

Every-day Christian

2009-11-27T22:24:00.004-06:00

Today I went to a worship service to remember the life of my friend Shirley, an every-day Christian. Granted, she was a Sunday morning Christian as well, but her faith in Christ sustained her throughout the week in all that she did. When I think of Shirley I always think of integrity. She was never excited about the latest craze. Her actions were based upon what God would have her to do. You always knew where she stood on a matter. When she spoke to give her opinion, we all took note.

Yet, she was not demanding that her way was the only way. She did not belittle the opinions of others but was gracious in hearing out another. Others may have different ways of doing things and that was okay by her, but she was not swayed. She knew what God wanted of her and she stayed on that path.

Shirley has been ill with cancer for several months now. This last Monday night, she left this life of pain for a better life with Christ. I am certain that she is at peace.

I don't have to wonder about this.

Hope

2009-11-17T07:20:00.002-06:00

You, O Lord, are my hope,
my trust, O Lord, from my youth.
Upon you I have leaned from my birth;
it was you who took me from my mother's womb.
My praise is continually of you.
- Psalm 71:5-6
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I've said before, "There's no hope," and usually, I was making a joke about something insignificant. Maybe a cake didn't turn out looking like I wanted. Maybe my hair wouldn't lay straight. Maybe my desk was in shambles. Those things really don't matter in the long run.

But, in the important things of life, I always have hope -- not in my own goodness or abilities. Rather my hope is in God who can make something out of nothing. God is still in the business of creation, hope, healing. I trust God for those things that seem hopeless to me.

Now...... off to work to approach my desk that's in a shambles. Actually, it's all in boxes. The office is being carpeted, painted and rearranged. The cubicles are all being moved. I wonder where I'll find my belongings today.

Sunday morning Christian

2009-11-15T22:50:00.004-06:00

Why do I get up and go to church every Sunday? I really love to sleep in, but then I would miss:
- Smiles
- An opportunity to sing boisterously and unabashedly
- The chance to be with a community of believers who bring their joys, cares and concerns to God.
- The opportunity to hear another person tell the stories of God.
- A quiet time for me to reflect upon how God is working in my life.
- Faith-sharing.
- A time to visit with my friends, (who also feel compelled to get up on Sunday mornings.)
- Hugs. Lots and lots of hugs.
- Shy little girls who sing along with the hymns, even before they have learned to read.
- Family. Not biological family, but brothers and sisters in Christ.
- Food for body and soul. Spiritual food to help me thru another week. Lunch out with friends to help me make it to my Sunday afternoon nap.
- Did I mention that I like to sing? Loudly and often. God is so very good!
- Peaceful, safe sanctuary.

That's all for now. Maybe more later.
I wonder what an everyday Christian looks like....... hmmm.........

Chill out folks!

2009-11-10T20:13:00.002-06:00

Ok...... I know Christmas is coming. We received the LL Bean Christmas catalog the other day. I've seen Wal-Mart Christmas commercials on TV. My mother-in-law loaded up one closet with packages in August already. Tomorrow we will start shopping for the silly gifts we always buy the family.

Yesterday, I got the first of many emails bemoaning the secularization of Christmas. There are many of these things circulating. Most tell you not to patronize stores that say Happy Holidays or to refuse to buy certain products or some other silly thing. The author of these emails is never stated. What really irritates me is that friends mindlessly forward all this rubbish.

It's not just that people warn you "don't take Christ out of Christmas." I also get warnings not to buy products manufactured by certain companies because they are agents of the devil. And then there's the admonition to refuse certain US coins because they don't include the words "In God We Trust."

Yes, words matter, but if a person's life doesn't mirror the words, then the words are not real to the person anyway. (Does that sentence make sense?) A quote from St. Francis of Assisi seems appropriate here. "Preach the Gospel always....if necessary, use words." In other words, let your actions do the bulk of your talking.

Honestly, I just can't get all bent out of shape about a person saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas." The intention is to greet me and wish me well. I just wonder why some folks are so all-fired upset about it.

An intruder

2009-11-08T21:57:00.003-06:00

Tonight I feel so terribly inept, inadequate, unable, useless. I feel as tho I've stuck my foot in my mouth and really don't know if I should apologize or not. Perhaps it's just my perception... or maybe it's real. Here's what happened.

My friend Shirley is in the hospital. She has cancer and is very, very sick. Because of her illness, she has not been able to come to church for quite some time. Shirley has been active in the church, serving many roles, ever since I have been there. She would say her primary spiritual gift is teacher. She was one of the first women called as an elder in the congregation and for that, we honored her with Elder Emeritus status today.

Since Shirley couldn't come to church, we came to her. Shirley and her family were there. The elders and the pastor were there. The nurses kept bringing us folding chairs so that we could get more people into the room. We probably had fifteen of us there. I hope that our presence was accepted in the spirit in which we intended. I am certain that God was present with us in that hospital room.

But, somehow I felt as tho we were intruding upon a very private, intimate family time. I left the room as soon as possible, even tho I would have loved to visit with her and the family more.
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O God........ show me the best way to be supportive to my friend Shirley. Be with her and guide her along this journey. Give her hope for tomorrow and let her rest in your strength. My prayer for her family is the same, as her husband, daughters and son face the challenge of learning how to care for her. She loves you God. Be with her.
Love, Nancy

And God says, "Be still......... and know that I am God."

Grapefruit

2009-11-01T18:44:00.007-06:00

Psalm 139
1 O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.
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Today, a friend introduced me to a group of folks I didn't know and who didn't know me. Her introduction was accurate, as far as it goes, but it makes me realize that she only knows one part of me.

We all have associations with folks in different capacities. How many can you name? The family relationships alone would take a long time. Then there's work, church, social, professional, casual relationships, intimate friendships. We show a different part of ourselves to each person we meet, depending upon how much we trust that other person, what we hope to gain from that relationship and how long we want the relationship to last. For instance, a relationship with my husband is very different from a relationship with the cashier at the grocery store. They each see a different part of me. I am willing to share a larger portion of myself with my husband than I am the cashier. (By the way, I have no doubt that the cashier is just fine with that.)

But all this got me to thinking about how I compartmentalize my life. Just like the sections of a grapefruit. I have a spouse section, a mother section, a grandmother section, a daughter section, a friend section, a church section, a work section and on and on. I even have a section reserved for self, that no one else knows. Like a grapefruit, sometimes life is sweet, sometimes sour, sometimes bitter. It all depends on how deep you dig into the section. Sometimes a grapefruit is whole, but sometimes it's cut open and the juices flow. When it's whole, no one sees the different sections, but when it's cut open, we see that some sections are larger than others.

And then I wondered..... do I even know all the sections of my life? I know how I feel about other people, but how do others see me? What things are there that I don't even admit to myself? Am I even aware of all that is within me?

No........ The answer to the last question is 'no.' But, God knows me. God knows all there is to know about me. God knows all the parts of my life and helps to make me whole. That's what the psalmist is saying.... O Lord, you have searched me and know me.

Something to ponder

2009-10-28T07:15:00.003-05:00

This was included in one of those sappy emails that you are supposed to send on to 50 of your nearest and dearest friends in the next 5 minutes or something horrible will happen to you. I usually just use the delete key on those. However, this one gave me one little nugget to consider.

"Don't miss out on a blessing because it isn't packaged the way that you expect."

I wonder what blessings I will encounter today........ Will I recognize the blessings?

Why should I pray? How should I pray? Does it matter?

2009-10-17T15:26:00.005-05:00

1 Samuel 1, especially verse 20 “Because I asked the Lord for him.”
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I was reading the story of Hannah. Her prayers were non-stop, asking the Lord to give her a son. The priest Eli thought that she was drunk because of the way she prayed. She tells the Lord that she will give the son back to His service, if only she can have a son. The Lord answers her prayer for a son, whom she names Samuel. True to her word, she gives Samuel back to the priest Eli to raise in the temple for the Lord.

Now, what does this mean for me? I'm not sure I believe that prayer works in this way, but maybe I'm missing something. It seems that Hannah asked, pleaded and bargained and finally God gave in. When explaining Samuel's name, she says that it means "Because I asked the Lord for him."

This isn't my understanding of God. Can we cajole, whine or plead favors from God to suit us? Is God unaware of our wants or needs? I don't see God hanging around saying, "Oh, I'm sure glad you reminded me that you need some food (or that Auntie Bertha is sick) because I had forgotten all about that." Somehow it seems quite a cruel way for a loving God to respond. It seems like a simplistic view of God.

Yet, repeatedly the Scriptures tell us to pray to God to make our wants and needs known. "Ask and it shall be given to you." (Matthew 7:7) "You do not have because you do not ask." (James 4:2) "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

What does it mean when you don't get what you want or think you need? When you don't get the job you want, but another person is hired? When you have a car accident, even though you prayed for God to keep you safe? When your mother dies from cancer, even though you asked that she be healed? When the Cubs aren't in the World Series for yet another year? Does that mean God wasn't listening? or that you didn't pray often enough? or loud enough? or hard enough? or say the right words in the right order?

It seems that I need to remember the words that Jesus taught us. "Your will be done, on earth and in heaven." Perhaps the reason to pray is to change my attitudes, my wants, my needs to be attuned to what God wants for me. I wonder if the reason for prayer is to build relationship with God.

Keeping confidences

2009-10-05T22:36:00.004-05:00

Recently, I've had several folks tell me things in confidence. These were not secrets or gossip, but concerns or desires of their hearts. Sometimes they had a need to vent.

Of course, I do the same at my Monday thru Friday job. I ask very personal questions about people, their income, their schooling, their training, who they live with, why they got fired, why they quit.....and I hear lots of stories. Some laughable, some silly, others sad or just plain horrible. I've learned to listen well and reflect what the person has told me. That seems to be a rare gift.

So many people just need a safe place to tell their story and not be condemned by the listener. I am honored and humbled to be entrusted with these confidences. I wonder why they choose me. What is there about me that makes others feel safe? Hmmm...........

Reflection

2009-09-27T22:18:00.010-05:00

On Sept 19, I met with a group of Disciples who gathered to vision and make plans to implement the vision. We made some progress, but got sidetracked into a discussion of how we communicate with one another.

There are those who freely admit that they are not good at electronic methods of communication (internet, e-mail, and all that falls within that bailiwick.) In fact, some seem quite proud of the fact that they don't use computers. My kneejerk reaction is to shake my head in frustration. It is quite a task to keep up with all these new technologies, but that doesn't mean we should give up trying.

I can understand laity's resistance to change. It's easier to stick with the familiar than to reach into the unknown. How many times have we laughed about the 11th commandment of Protestant churches? The one that says, "Thou shalt not (fill in the blank) because we've never done it that way." I shudder to think that some of our pastors resist these changes. Tell me...... Aren't pastors in the business of presenting the Gospel in order to transform lives? Turn away from the world and turn towards God. Now, if a pastor is not communicating that message then I think they may as well go back to selling shoes or flipping burgers. God calls us to be transformed. To be changed. To turn from what was to what is to be. God promises that life in Christ is a better way.

If pastors are content to allow resistance to change in this small issue of communications, then I'm afraid that pastors will not push for major changes in lives that are needed to become one with God. Our churches will stagnate. We Christians already have trouble convincing people that the Gospel is relevant to lives today. Let's at least present the message of God's love in a way that the world is willing to hear. We don't need to make it comfortable for us who already know Jesus Christ as our saviour. We need to find more ways to bring the Gospel to those who haven't heard the message.

What other things does the Church need to do differently to direct lives toward God? I wonder..........

Questions

2009-09-05T14:19:00.006-05:00

Some things for me to consider:

-- Our faith is not about answers. Sometimes, our faith is more about questions. What are the questions for which I have no answers?

-- Distractions are everywhere. What distracts me from my goals? From my God?

-- Where is God leading me? Where am I going? Am I a good follower or am I trying to lead?

-- How often do we think it is our degree or training that qualifies us to do ministry?

-- Where do I see God in my ordinary and every day life?

-- What common things does God make holy?

-- Sometimes Jesus' teachings seem outrageous and are hard to understand. Which teachings are most difficult for me?

-- Am I always properly prepared to face the day? What do I need to be prepared?

-- In what way will I choose God today? How will the world know who I have chosen?

A change in plans

2009-09-02T18:57:00.004-05:00

I tell you........ I'm confused and perturbed and amazed all at the same time. Here's what happened.

I thought I'd been watching and listening for God to tell me how to respond to the kids that show up on Wednesday nights to eat at the potluck meal. I really thought I understood what God wanted us to do to show the kids that we not only care that they have food in their tummies, but also that they have food for their souls.

So, I put signs on the tables last week, telling the kids to come to the balloon table after they finished their meal. Then this week, I went thru the supply room and found crafts, games, treats, coloring pages and crayons. I was ready. I knew the kids could only stay there until Mom and Dad were ready to go home, so I planned quick activities or things the kids could take home.

When I arrived tonight, I looked around the room. Where were the kids? There weren't any kids old enough to hold a crayon without eating it. What sort of a mean joke was God playing? There were two babies, but the games and the take-home treats were no good for babies.

So, I stopped and looked around. I had a short and rather heated discussion with God to let God know that I was confused, angry and hurt that he hadn't helped with the plan. After all, I thought it was God's plan. When did the plan change and why wasn't I notified? God told me there was a new plan. The babies could each have a balloon. One of the mentally disabled adults got a balloon, too. He was so very excited and even tho he doesn't speak, I knew he was saying thank you. Another young man took a balloon, saying he was going to write a note to his dad, tie the note onto the string and then let it float up to heaven. That's what he did.

We put the games, coloring pages and crayons back in the closet and will save those for another time. Of course, we gave away all the balloons, but that's ok...... those balloons gave great joy to the ones who received them. We'll blow up more balloons next week and maybe get the other things out of the closet, just in case God changes the plan again. You never know. I wonder what will happen next week........

I hurt

2009-08-23T21:22:00.003-05:00

I just need to grumble and complain a bit. I have shingles and I hurt. The left side of my neck, chest, arm, jaw, shoulder, upper back..... It all hurts. I take the meds that the doc says relieves the pain, but those make me groggy. And I still hurt. This is just awful. I know others have had it worse, but that doesn't make me feel any better.

O God...... there must be a reason for this illness. There must be a lesson in it here somewhere. Let me learn that lesson soon and let's get on with living. God, o my God...... bring me health and wellness. And when I am whole again, help me to be more sympathetic to those who are suffering ill health. O God, heal me, I pray.
Nancy

Amazing

2009-08-01T22:11:00.004-05:00

How has God amazed me? That's the question put to me tonight.

Learning of the ways that my life touches and intersects with other folks is probably the most significant way that God amazes me. Some are folks that I've only just met here at General Assembly for the first time, yet I meet them over and over. I stop to ask how they are doing and the next time, they check on me. Some are folks I've met only on facebook, but when we meet face to face, it seems that we've been friends for years. Some folks I don't know by name and may never see, but they are vital to my well-being. I'm talking about the cooks, the store clerks, the construction workers -- Folks who provide services and make the goods that I use every day. I don't mean to leave out family and friends whom I see and touch often, but those folks are a given. My husband, children, grandchildren enrich my life.

I Corinthians 12 talks about how we are all members of the body of Christ -- all different and all working together for the glory of God and the building up of the body. Amazing, isn't it? Our interconnectedness.

I wonder how God will work in my life tomorrow..... I wonder how God can use me.

Busy-ness

2009-07-26T20:07:00.003-05:00

Lately, it seems I've been on the go a lot. Yet, I'm not sure I've accomplished much. We're going on vacation -- getting out of town for a bit. We will reconnect with family and friends. Perhaps we will meet new people. We will see some new places.

I pray that I can be God's messenger to those folks I meet. At the same time, some of those folks will be carrying a message to me. Will I be listening and paying attention? When I'm so caught up in day-to-day activities, I forget to stop and listen. I wonder what God has to say to me.......

Loss of a friend

2009-07-11T12:55:00.002-05:00

My friend Marty passed away yesterday. He'd been ill for a long, long time and I would like to hope that he was ready to go from this life to the next. My hope is that he has found a life free from disease and pain.

Rand and I first met Marty about 35 years ago. The circumstances of that meeting were not ideal. Rand was coming to town to interview for a job. We really needed Rand to get the job. As he arrived in town, the car broke down. It was a Toyota and at that time, it was hard to find folks who could fix "foreign" cars. (Toyota hardly meets the definition of foreign today, but I digress......) Anyway, Marty was the one who fixed the car. I don't know how we managed to pay him for it because our financial situation was dire. I'm guessing that he probably didn't charge us as much as he should have, but he saw the need we had and helped a young man who needed transportation. (Thoughts of the Good Samaritan story here.)

Well, Rand got the job and we moved to town. After a while we started looking for a church and then were led to Broadway Christian Church. Maybe we were pushed there by Rand's grandmother, but that's a story for another time. Anyway, when we first went to Broadway, Marty was the first to greet us. We joined the congregation and Marty continued to encourage us as a young family. Over the years, I have watched Marty's commitment to God, to the church and that God-love that he shows towards others. I'm not sure I ever heard him articulate his faith in God, but he showed it every day.

There is another connection. Rand sings bass in a quartet -- Glory Road. Marty's son Larry sings baritone in that quartet. Marty quietly encouraged the guys in the quartet to keep on singing praises to God. The quartet appreciated his presence.

Just last night, I was talking with a young member of our congregation. This 15 year old boy remembered Marty as someone who always greeted him and was interested in him. It helps to remind me of our interconnectedness and our importance to one another and to God. No matter your age, your health, your financial status, your employment situation -- God uses each and every one of us. Isn't that great to know? God uses all who make themselves available. God does the work thru us.

So, today and in the next few days, I may shed a tear or two for the loss of my friend. But I have some wonderful memories that will live on and I am assured that Marty is living on now with Christ.
Nancy

Perspective

2009-06-14T21:22:00.004-05:00

It seems that I only learn from my experiences after it's too late to make changes. How many times have I been in the middle of a situation, not knowing if I should go one way or another, and wished that I had a magic wand to wave and give me an answer? How many times have I looked back at my life and wished I had taken a different path? How many times have I objected to the guidance offered by those who love me? How often have I gone my own way, shunning the wisdom of others?

But yet, I can't change what was. I can learn from it. I am grateful for the good times and for the bad because both have molded me into the person I am. I'm thankful for the gentle souls in my life who have allowed me to make mistakes, for in those ways, I have grown. I've learned there are blessings in every situation. Sometimes I really have to look hard to find the blessings, but they are there if I will take the time.

I'm reminded of a story about a little boy who was annoyingly happy. No matter what happened, this little boy thought it was great. So, one time someone gave him a yard full of horse manure as a birthday gift. They thought, "That will teach him. There's no way he can be happy about manure." But lo and behold..... The boy was thrilled. When asked why, his response was, "I just know there's got to be a pony in there somewhere."

So, I look for the pony. It may take a while to find. I may have to dig around in the manure for a while. But with time, I can find the blessings in all situations. With God's help, I know I'll find the pony.

36 years

2009-06-09T22:32:00.003-05:00

Whooo........ that's a long time! Rand and I were married 36 years ago today. Where has the time gone? It seems like only yesterday and yet it seems like forever.

This week is marked with special events. Our wedding anniversary is today, good friends Bob and Karen have a wedding anniversary tomorrow, my very good friend Arlene's birthday is today. This week will mark the close of careers for three of my coworkers, Marv, LeAnna and Gary, and I will miss them. Another friend Marty is in the hospital, has not been well for a long, long time and it sounds as though his time is coming to a close.

Some weeks seem so humdrum. Nothing out of the ordinary from one day to the next. And then I have a week like this. So many changes. Nothing remains the same, but we adapt and move on.

I wonder what new things God has in store for me tomorrow? or next week?

Ralph Waldo Emerson

2009-06-03T07:14:00.004-05:00

I came across this quote the other day.
"What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I wonder what people hear from me by my actions. Do my words and my deeds match? Or do I preach one message and live another?

Lord, forgiving God, my guide and my strength....... Help me always to live transparently. Help me to act so that others will hear me, even if I don't say a word. I want to live as your messenger here in this world. Grant me strength. Grant me courage. Amen.

I hab a code in by doze

2009-05-12T22:22:00.013-05:00

Cough! Cough! Sniffle! Sniffle! Scratchy throat, itchy eyes, runny nose. Yup, I've got a cold in my nose.

But, it was bound to be. My grandkids have all had colds the past couple of weeks and they shared their colds with me. Aren't they beautiful kids? Is it any wonder this grandma gladly accepted their kisses and hugs, colds or no colds? How could I resist?

My cold will disappear soon enough, but the memories created with these wonderful children will last a long, long time.

Thank you God for giving me family.

My theology, as I understand it today

2009-04-29T22:07:00.010-05:00

God loves -- me, you, the people I don't want to love -- no matter what.
God loves Hitler as much as God loves Mother Theresa. In other words, we cannot earn God's love by our actions. Neither can we stop God from loving us.
I'm meant to love other people and to act in loving ways towards others, even if the others are very different from me.
Heaven is not a place to go after a person dies, but it exists here and now.
I'm not sure I believe in a place called hell, any more than I believe in a place called heaven.
I believe there is evil and sometimes I substitute the word hell for evil. Often we make our own hells.
Why did Jesus come? I believe it was to show us humans how to live.
I don't believe Jesus died because of my sins. Yes, I sin, but I don't think a loving God would require anyone to die because of that. I'm still trying to figure this out.
So what's the purpose of Jesus' crucifixion? and resurrection?
My picture of God is not the same as anyone else's, but that doesn't make my way of seeing God either better or worse than the way another person sees God. Just different.
God means for us to love one another and to do what we can to make life better for one another. This means we need to consider both our individual and group actions. As an example, it is important to feed the person who is hungry, but it is equally important to support public policies that help all people to be adequately fed.
I love God. I need God in my life every moment.
God created and creates all things. Creation didn't happen only as described in Genesis 1, but creation happens every day.
God is still talking to people. The Bible is a recording God's interactions with people years ago. But, the stories continue today.
God is Creator, Jesus Christ and Spirit. Spirit is especially hard to understand because of the moldable nature.
Each day, I remember the words of the prophet Micah. "And what does the Lord require of you?"
Prayer connects me with God. I often pray by reciting the scriptures (memory verses) that I learned as a child and considering what that verse can mean in my life today.
Prayer may not change a situation, but it may change the way I look at the situation.
God works through people just like me, full of goodness and fault. It's just possible that I can be God to another person.
God has many names.

I think this is all for now.

Endings

2009-04-24T21:31:00.010-05:00

Sometime during the past month or so, I read the following in a daily devotion. "What needs to die in my life? What am I holding onto, out of fear, out of comfort, out of refusing to change, that is actually keeping me from living life to the fullest?" I kept trying to be very philosophical in finding an answer to the question and then it just knocked me upside the head.

My teeth! My dentist has been telling me for several years that my top teeth need to be removed and I need a denture. Well, now my teeth are verifying my dentist's recommendations and so I have an appointment to have that done this next week.

It's not my teeth that need to die, but my pride and my fear of the unknown. The present state of my teeth has been a source of embarassment for me for years. Yet even so, I knew what to expect. I have a fear that people will think less of me, tho I know this is not the least bit rational. I don't think badly of other folks who wear dentures. I may like or dislike them for other reasons, but certainly not because of dentures. I am afraid that I won't be able to talk with the denture. I don't want to give in to the realization that my body is growing older and that pieces and parts are wearing out. In my mind, I am still young, but my body tells me otherwise. I guess one of my fears is that once it's done, there are no do-overs. I can't change my mind. It's not like making a bad hair cut or hair color choice. My hair grows back again. I get second chances with hair.

And yet, I know that I'll be better off in the long run. My health will be better. I'll relearn how to talk. I'll have a prettier smile and won't hide my teeth anymore. Or at least this is what I am hoping for. So I'm trying to come to terms with this "dying."

Another quote that was on a Sojourners email this week: You should never let your fears prevent you from doing what you know is right. - Aung San Suu Kyi

Now, I'm not sure why these things make me think of my dental situation. Who can understand the wanderings of my mind and soul? There's no telling where I will end up on this journey of my life. Maybe next time I write, it will be something more interesting.

Glimpses of God on I-80

2009-04-15T22:28:00.007-05:00

Some people complain that I-80 is so boring, but I find it peaceful. I'm very familiar with the road as I've traveled eastward from Council Bluffs to Des Moines or Newton or Iowa City or points beyond many times in the past 30 years. I know the good places to stop for a cold drink or lunch or restrooms. The only thing that seems to change is the location of the highway construction.

The good part of familiarity with the road is that it gives my mind a chance to consider other things...... or nothing. I can put in music and sing along. I can have extended conversations with God. I often marvel at the plants and the changing of the seasons. If the weather is bad, I can concentrate on my driving and watching the other cars and the big trucks. I don't have to worry about where the next exit is because I've pretty much got those all figured out.

On Monday I made a trip to the Christian Conference Center at Newton. The weather on Monday was not ideal for travel -- I hate to drive in rain -- but the trip over was relatively uneventful and left plenty of time for things mentioned above -- singing, talking with God, watching the plants, figuring out the construction zones. I spent the night in relative quiet since the TV at the conference center is limited to only two stations. Those are fuzzy at best and the programs didn't interest me. So, I thought I'd get a snack I had stashed in the fridge, read a bit and call it good.

It was a good plan except that I fell and sprained my foot. I slept fitfully, a few hours at a time and would readjust the ice pack they keep in the freezer. (It's a camp, with lots of kids running around in the summer, tripping over stuff, running into things. They have to be prepared with first aid supplies.)

By morning, I was wondering if I'd be able to drive back home by myself. I wasn't sure I could load the scooter and then walk from the rear of the van to the driver's seat. I decided to call Rand to warn him he may have to come get me. Others came for the meetings we had planned. I managed to transfer from my scooter to chairs and back, although it was painful and slow-going. I decided to try to drive back home alone.

I made it home fine with the help of some willing strangers to open and close my car's back hatch. I just didn't trust my foot enough to hold me upright. My foot still hurt like the dickens...... but not so much after my stop at the Adair rest area. There, I hoped to impose upon the people in a vehicle that pulled in next to mine. And then I stopped to look. Here was a young woman (20's), driving alone, with arm crutches, a hat pulled over whisps of hair and only one leg. Suddenly I was glad for a foot that ached because at least I have two feet. God shows us our blessings in unexpected ways.

That young woman was God present for me that day. I doubt that she knew it. I wonder when and how I have shown God's presence to others.

Proud to say I'm an Iowan

2009-04-05T17:09:00.004-05:00

I've always felt that Iowa was a good place to be. The Iowa Supreme Court decision that was handed down this last week just reaffirms my thoughts. The Court said that it was unconstitutional to bar gays/lesbians from marrying. In other words, equal rights for all really does mean for all.

As I was reading a news story about the ruling, this is the comment that was made. "Iowa has a history of being in the forefront on social issues. It was among the first states to legalize interracial marriage and to allow married women to own property. It was also the first state to admit a woman to the bar to practice law and was a leader in school desegregation." Folks are always talking about how backwards Iowans are! Ha! I've always been proud of Iowa. When I hear about other states that execute criminals, I am grateful to live in a state that doesn't believe even the government has the right to take one's life. This latest Supreme Court decision reaffirms my belief in the goodness and fair-mindedness of Iowans.

Now, I wonder how this will play out. Will our pastors and our churches have the courage to marry gays/lesbians? Some denominations have already taken stands in favor or against. The congregation to which I belong has not made a formal decision. I wonder what we will do when we are confronted with the issue. Will we open our arms and our hearts to include all children of God? or will we turn them aside? I wonder......

Hibiscus and other blooming things

2009-04-01T07:26:00.007-05:00

In the room where I write, we have the hibiscus plant that comes indoors to live during the winter. It struggles because of my neglect, for the most part. I forget to open the window blinds so that it can get a little sunshine and I forget to water it. When the leaves begin to curl in on themselves, I get the watering can... tho it may take me a day or so to do that. This is a hearty plant and it is patient with me.

The hibiscus blooms daily for weeks at a time. These are gorgeous, showy, huge flowers. They delight me and help me to smile. Those times are good for my soul.

But, this plant has its dormant times also. I think it is resting and gathering up strength to bloom again. I see buds on the plant today after a month or so of green leaves only. I think it is waiting for the warmth of spring and hoping to be allowed back out onto the deck again.

My life is much like this. Sometimes I bloom. Sometimes I rest and am dormant, storing up my energy so that I can be bold and show others the wonders that God has created in me. Sometimes I am dried up, curling in on myself, waiting for a drink of God's goodness and mercy. God is a better caretaker than I am tho because God's goodness is available anytime I am willing to ask for it.

I wonder why I forget to look for God?

The Wild Mouse

2009-03-14T12:23:00.003-05:00

When I was a kid, it was a treat for us to visit the amusement park at Arnold's Park, IA. My favorite ride there was The Wild Mouse. It's sort of like a roller coaster, but smaller and more compact. That results in sharper turns, faster drops, shorter climbs. It was wood and metal and probably wouldn't meet all the safety standards of today. Danger was always imminent. That made it all the more exciting.

After a ride or two on The Wild Mouse, we would walk down the midway or walk down to the edge of Lake Okoboji while our tummies settled. Those walks don't hold any great memories for me, probably because I found them just to be place holders until I was ready for another Wild Mouse ride.

It seems that my life of the last few months has been much like my visits to Arnold's Park. I've had a lot of ups & downs, a lot of sharp turns in the road. Sometimes I feel that I will leave my tummy behind. And then I've had some times of quiet and peace. The difference is that now I've had enough of the Wild Mouse rides and I long for more leisurely walks around the lake.

I wonder how many more tickets I have for The Wild Mouse of life and I wonder if I can give those to someone else or if I can just turn those tickets in for a refund. I really don't want them anymore. I would rather have a peaceful walk. I'm certain that times of peace and contentment for my soul will come again, but I wonder when.

How can this be good?

2009-02-24T07:14:00.002-06:00

Since Saturday, I have fallen twice really hard. I fell in the kitchen when I tried to get a drink of water from the faucet. My knee buckled and I was down faster than I was up. When I landed, I was wedged between the cupboards and the scooter. I have a huge bruise on my upper arm and a knot on my head. It's terribly sore.

Then last night in the Walgreens parking lot, I fell as I put the scooter back into the van. I have no idea how I lost my balance, but down I went. I hit my forehead on the back of the van and now, I have a sore red spot on my forehead.

I'm not worried about the marks. I lost my vanity for that sort of thing years ago. But, this hurts.

God, o God to whom I pray for protection....... How can this be good? Watch over me and protect me.

Unanticipated joy

2009-02-15T20:48:00.002-06:00

Today I went to church, as is my usual routine for Sunday mornings. I went with a heavy heart. There's no serious crisis in my life at present, but the little things are all building up and it makes life seem grim.

The scripture was Mark 1:40-45 -- the story of Jesus healing a leper. Rev. Jann talked about compassion and the need we all have to be touched. I didn't come in the best frame of mind this morning. I guess I needed that touch, too. I heard the sermon during first service, then I went to Sunday School. During the second service, the little kids were ringing the bells. Little Stephanie just doesn't get it that she's only supposed to ring at certain times and so she just jingles and jingles the whole time. She dances and she doesn't watch the director at all, but we all just love her. Well, when that part was over, she was supposed to sit with her Grandpa, and he struggled to get her to sit. She escaped and I opened my arms and caught her as she flew down the aisle. She wanted to sit on my lap on my scooter. That was so good for me. I needed to sit there and hug little Stephanie. We didn't listen to the sermon, but snuggled and admired her valentine candies. She whispered to me, "I like turch." (Translation - turch means church) Stephanie was Jesus to me this morning.

A few weeks back, a morning devotion asked me, "Who do you expect to meet when you go to church? How would it be different if you expected to meet Jesus?" I wonder how our churches would be changed if more of us went to meet Jesus.

Whining

2009-02-04T07:23:00.002-06:00

This morning, I discovered why my feet hurt. Well, really just one foot, but that's beside the point. As I looked at my foot, I discovered that the skin has split open on the bottom of my toes where the toe meets the foot. Dang! It hurts like a sonavagun. So I got out the Neosporin and the band-aids and taped it up. Then I got out my heavy duty lotion and lathered up my feet. Glad I'm not planning a hike for today. The dry winter air usually just bothers my lips and hands. This is too much.

Why is it that the little aches and pains throw us off kilter? Things like paper cuts on fingers, a stubbed toe, a bruised knee, a hang nail all make life miserable for a while. Then all of a sudden, I notice that my toe doesn't hurt anymore or my finger doesn't hurt and I wonder when it healed. It almost seems easier to have big problems -- tho I don't want those either, but it seems easier to get some sympathy for a broken leg than it does for dry toes. Yet, the dry toes with the skin split open is painful.

Well, enough whining..... I need to get on with living. There are so many folks with problems worse than this. But, I wonder........

Life matters

2009-01-31T13:18:00.003-06:00

I just watched a movie where one of the characters said, "Life matters... even if only to the person living it."

There have been a lot of people who have influenced my life. I won't start naming folks for fear of leaving someone out. One first thinks of family, friends, teachers, pastors, coworkers. These are the ones who have lived with me and walked with me through the days and years of my life. They've seen me in good times and bad and I am grateful for them.

But, I can't ignore the folks whose life just brushes mine -- the people whose names I don't know, but whose actions influence me. I remember a situation at work from years ago. A client was so angry, he lashed out at me, calling me filthy names and mocking me. He was angry about his life situation, but he made fun of my physical inabilities -- all the things that go along with my ataxia. I was crushed at the time and had to leave work for a while to compose myself. I don't remember who he was and it's not important. What's important is that it caused me to do some soul-searching to try to figure out if I had aggravated his situation or not.... and to change things that were my fault in any way. He helped me to realize that we all have problems in life, but some of us just have problems that are more visible than others. He helped me to realize the need to be kind to all people I meet.

There are also folks who have made my life easier and I try to remember to thank them as I go along. As my ataxia worsens, I rely upon people more and more to do things for me. One of the greatest gifts a person can offer me is to open a door. Many, many people have done so. I used to tell people "No thanks, I can do it myself." Then, I realized that I was denying them the opportunity to give me what they had to offer. It's something I learned from children. Kids usually don't have the resources to give material things, but their kindnesses are a true blessing. I've realized that accepting a gift graciously is as important as giving. I'd much rather receive a sloppy kiss and hug from a three-year-old than anything from a department store.

So, does life matter? Yes, my life matters to me. I thank God for all the people who have touched mine in big or small ways. Whether it is for years or seconds, those brushes with another person are very important. I wonder how my life has touched others....

Food

2009-01-19T19:31:00.004-06:00

I don't particularly like to cook. I don't particularly care what I eat. When folks say, "Let's go out for dinner. Where would you like to go?" My most likely response is, "I don't care. You pick a place." I'm a person who eats to live rather than lives to eat. So, what's the problem?

I can't eat today because of a medical procedure tomorrow. Because I can't eat, I am dreaming of yummy foods. Rand has fixed himself mashed potatoes to go with the leftover porkchop and gravy from yesterday...... Mmmm...... Would just a taste really hurt? Fresh baked bread would be wonderful. A roast beef au jus in the crockpot - Now there's a meal worth waiting for! As I opened the freezer to get another ice cube, so many things appealed to me and I wondered if just a little bit would be ok.

But, I know it would not be ok. Why do we want what we can't have? It gets us into trouble every time. Just last week when the temperatures were below zero, there was a story on the front page of the newspaper about a 6 year old boy who put his tongue on a pole and of course, he was stuck -- just like in the movie Christmas Story. He said he knew he shouldn't do it and he wouldn't do it again, but he'd been resisting for a long time and just wanted to give it a try.

I've done things I know I shouldn't have done. I don't plan to make this forum my personal confessional. I'm not Catholic and don't really understand how that whole thing works. But at least for tonight, I'm going to resist the food temptation. After the procedure tomorrow, I can eat again..... so maybe I'll spend the evening figuring out what to eat first.

A part of the story I overlooked

2009-01-09T07:17:00.003-06:00

Today, I re-read the story of Jesus' baptism by John. It's a familiar story to me. I've read it many, many times in my 50+ years. But today I heard something different and I am so very surprised.

When John baptized Jesus, the story says that the sky split open and a voice came down saying, "This is my beloved Son in whom I am pleased." What I never noticed before was that Jesus was the only one who saw the Holy Spirit or who heard the voice. Read the story yourself in Mark 1:9-11. Pick any translation you like. I've checked many.

That's how it is...... we hear something and make our own assumptions about the details of an event without really listening. How many times have I heard just a little bit about a person or an event and made up the details to suit my own purposes? Seems like that's how bigotry and prejudice start.

Well, I've got to get to work......... and I need to really listen to what people are telling me. I need to quit filling in the blanks for other people. That's what I learned from today's scripture reading.
Nancy

More favorites

2009-01-07T23:22:00.005-06:00

My husband Rand. He's my favorite friend and lover. Well, he's my only lover and my very best friend. He cares for me and loves me like no one else. I thank God for him every day of my life.
Mountains. Specifically, Rocky Mountain National Park in Colorado. That place reminds me of the power and glory of God. What a place!
Iowa farm fields. The corn and soybean rows are so orderly. The terraces are arranged so carefully to make a beautiful design.
Two things I once thought were luxuries have now become necessities. Mondays are my favorite days of the week because one week the Merry Maids come clean my house. The next week, I have a massage at Ancient Wisdom. Everyone should be so lucky to start their weeks this way.

My favorite things

2009-01-06T23:00:00.003-06:00

In an earlier post, I said that I would make a list of things that remind me of God's goodness. Here are a few, in no particular order and I'll edit and add more as I think of them.
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1. Ice water..... for it quenches my physical thirst as God's presence quenches my spiritual thirst.
2. Children, especially my grandchildren......in small doses. They remind me that I must have the spirit of youth and a spirit of wonder to enter God's realm.
3. Older children -- young adults really. For they dream of what should be and how this world could become. They have the audacity to believe that dreams can come true. (And I use the word audacity as a compliment.)
4. My work. When I see folks who don't have jobs and want to work, I give a prayer of thanksgiving for my job, even tho it's not always easy. God cares for me enough to give me a means to provide for my physical well-being. I try to do my work to benefit others that God cares for.
5. My home. It's not fancy, but it suits my purposes. Again, this reminds me that God cares for me and protects me.
6. Coffee. I'm not sure how this reminds me of God's goodness, but I sure do like coffee. I probably drink entirely too much of it.
7. Sleep. "And on the seventh day, God rested."

And now, I'll rest also. More later.
Nancy

My mind's picture of the new year

2008-12-31T19:37:00.001-06:00

I wanted to draw a picture of what a year looks like to me because I'm not sure I can describe it.... but I'm a word artist and not a computer graphics artist. So here goes:

In my mind, the year is arranged like a clock. The year is a circle, but January is at 12:00, July is at 3:00 and December is at 6:00. In other words, my mind arranges all of the months into the right-hand half of the clock. The other side of my clock is blank. So, on New Year's Eve at the stroke of midnight, the hands of my year-clock jump clockwise from the 6:00 position to the 12:00 position and we start over.

Now this is not one bit logical, for I know that each month of the year is about the same in length. Yes, I remember the rhyme that starts "Thirty days hath September, April, June and November......" and you know it too. So, my year-clock should have all twelve months arranged around the circle in close to equal parts, but my mind's eye won't let it be that way.

I find it odd that an otherwise reasonably intelligent and logical person (like me) would create this picture. Perhaps it is because a year is one of those things you can't grab onto. It's a way to divide our time -- not something you can put in the palm of your hand or into a box. I can't hand you a bag and say, "Here's 2009. I hope you like it. Oh... and if you'd prefer a different color, the gift receipt is in the bag."

There are many things like this. Time, God, age, health, love, peace, wholeness, brokenness, reconciliation. What does time look like to you? How about God? What does God look like? What about peace? I sure would like to see more peace. Perhaps these things are only visible in the people we meet, the places we visit, the activities we pursue.

My wondering mind is wandering again..... and so I'll stop writing for now and wait for midnight when my year-clock makes it's dramatic swing from 2008 to 2009.

God Pause for Tuesday 12-30-08

2008-12-30T07:27:00.001-06:00

I post this God Pause as a reminder to myself. I hope it is not plagarism. What would I put on my list of things that remind me of God's goodness?
More on this later. Nancy
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Psalm 147:12-20
There is no difficulty in catching the psalmist's message: Praise the Lord! But it may be a bit difficult for us to catch the psalmist's enthusiasm. In case we aren't quite ready to praise, or in case we have forgotten, the psalmist joins those who like to make lists and both invites and instructs us with some reasons. The items on the list range from children, to weather, to harvest, to the affairs of the nation. Like all lists, there may be items I would rank higher or lower, but at the center stands God's creative and effective "word," which occasions it all--and even promises to melt the bitter snow and cold with the refreshing water of God's special blessing and peace (shalom, 14).

O God of finest wheat and blowing snow, by your word you invite us to imagine the extravagant generosity of all your creation. Teach us to make lists as reminders when we forget of reasons to sing your praises. Amen.

James L. Boyce St. Paul, Minn. Emeritus Professor of New Testament and Greek, Luther Seminary

Christmas expectations

2008-12-28T16:43:00.000-06:00

Once again, I am frustrated with the Christmas holiday. I'm never disappointed with God and the gift of love that we've been given. I'm disappointed in the way we celebrate.

Perhaps my expectations are out of whack. Maybe I've watched "It's a Wonderful Life" or "Miracle on 42nd Street" or any number of those movies a few too many times. Maybe I've got the Norman Rockwell pictures etched too firmly into my brain. Maybe I've glamorized my childhood Christmases.

We try to do too much. We cook too much food. We eat too much. We buy too many gifts. We get one more ornament and just add it to the collection. We don't go to as many holiday programs and gatherings as we used to, but we feel like we should. I guess that's the key word here - "should." So many of the things we do are things we feel we should do.

All of this leaves me tired, short-tempered and worn out...... and very disappointed. Disappointed because I know this is supposed to be a time of great joy. A time to gather with the family and friends we love. A time to hope for better tomorrows. A time to find glimpses of peace among all people. You know what the angel said to the shepherds, "Don't be afraid. For I bring you good tidings of great joy that will be for all the people." And later in the story, a whole group of angels show up and sing "Glory to God in the highest and on earth, peace to all."

So why am I not singing with the angels? Why am I sitting here being a grump? Maybe it's because I've seen some peace, but I still see too much war. I've seen some love, but I still see too much hatred. Maybe I have some hope, but there are some situations that seem hopeless. I need more joy.

Or maybe I just need to go pick up those stray bows, eat that last bit of pie and wash the plate. Maybe I need to get the hoopla of the Christmas holiday put away and get on with spreading the joy of Christ Jesus in the world.

So, sing with me......
Joy to the world, the Lord has come! Let earth receive her king!

This is a song I need to sing every day of the year.

Watch! Be aware!

2008-12-24T07:16:00.000-06:00

Today (and always), I wonder where I will see God's face. Will one of the people I meet see God's face when they look at me? Many of us believe we've never seen God, but I think we just aren't paying attention. My vision is often clouded by other things. I need to remember to look beneath the surface of a person. I need to remember that even the disagreeable person is a child of God and worthy of my love and respect.

Easier said than done.
Hi ho! Hi ho! It's off to work I go.
Nancy

What have I done?

2008-12-22T20:58:00.001-06:00

If this first post seems odd, it's because I'm still figuring out the hows and whys of blogging. The mechanics of the whole thing is simple, I'm sure, but for now I'm learning which tab does what.

I have always wondered why things are the way they are. One of my earliest memories is of a glorious summer afternoon when I was about 8 or 10. I was hanging on the swing set in the backyard, staring up at the clouds and thanking God that I wasn't living in Russia where I was sure that every day was gray and gloomy. This was the time of the Cold War, you see. Why was I born in small-town Iowa? Why did God favor me with a secure and warm home, a mother, father, sister and extended family? I didn't want for any material things. Why did I have more friends who were a generation older than me? Why was I a good speller but a horrible runner? Why do I have red hair... and freckles? Why do I wear glasses?

My questions continue to this day, from the weighty questions about my reason for being to the mundane and everyday questions I must answer to get me from one day to the next. Who am I supposed to be loving today? Which sox shall I wear? How do I want to live in the next ten years? What shall I eat for supper and with whom shall I eat? Why do some folks not have supper to eat and how shall I go about sharing my supper with them? Why are my greatest blessings also my greatest challenges? Why did God create brussel sprouts? That seems like a horrible waste of God's time, but then God is eternal.....no beginning and no end, so I guess God can afford to waste time on stuff like brussel sprouts, okra and gooseberries. Why has God blessed me and how can I be a blessing to others? I am reminded of the first part of Micah 6:8, paraphrased...... "And what does the Lord require of you?" It is a question that is always at the forefront of my thoughts.

These are the sorts of things I expect to post here. It may not be of interest to anyone but me, but that's ok. Sometimes I don't interest me much either. But I love to know about other people and I am a curious sort. So when this wondering soul makes connections with my wandering mind, it's hard to tell where we will end up.

All for this time. Nancy